Maybe have his dad write him letters and include pictures of himself. See how your son reacts. Go from there. :)

Hey Endo...I would hope that his dad has some really great support people in his life these days that can help him start this process...I would let that start w/ them and let it unfold slowly...
Sounds like you've been in the middle for a long time and time to step out...
The best thing your son can know is about his dads addiction and be educated on this disease...In time, he will have a better understanding that his dad was ill and his behavior was not due to anything he did...
I would get some counseling on this for you and how best to support this effort...
If dad is indeed finally clean, you shouldn't feel like you've got to convince him anymore that there's a loving father inside that guy whose acting so strange!
Kids are forgiving and these two will find their way...
This is a great example of what does happen to the whole family and the reason it's known as a family disease...
Good luck and have some faith that this will work out...
So neat he has a dad back...

Thank you!

It is such a hard thing. My son doesn't talk about him BUT i know that he thinks about him often. They were writing back and forth, then is father FAILD to write him back.....for WEEKS. So my son gave up on him. Which is fine. I will support my son either way. I just HATE that my son's dad, has ruined that part of my son's life...

Having a father.

I am so over METH! Seriously!

I completely understand and would be so great if we could turn back time to do it the way it's supposed to happen...Can't change what's been but you can change where you go from here...Unfortunately, addicts are not the most emotionally mature people and takes time in sobriety to grow up and learn to be a dad...I know he is still young, but is absolutely old enough to be aware that his father is/was ill and making an attempt to get better...That dads behavior was never O.K. but not about him...
Kids who grow up experiencing this, deserve some education on the subject as often they turn and do the same thing! Scary thought and they swear this will never happen but there is a genetic predisposition here, so education is good...
I'm sure he hates his dad for not being there and it will take time to build a relationship and trust...I would make dad work for this in his recovery so you aren't trying to sugar coat what you can't guarantee...
Thank God he's got such a great, loving mom and w/ any luck ( and in time), dad will figure it out...

Bdawakenings, thank you. I have educated my son. The night I told him we went over what the drug is, what it does to a persons mind and body and all of that. I had print outs, facts, and pictures for him after I told him everything. I am huge on research. I also got my son into counseling.
As far as drugs being a genetic thing, I hope that is not true and is just a cop out for addicts. Everyone is responsible for their actions and choices. His dad made the choice to try it for the first time. I had PLENTY of chances to try it and my answer was always HELL no.... Not saying I am perfect by any means, just saying that no one on my side is an addict nor on his side.

I chose to be a MOTHER.

I do not mean that as like an attack. It is just a touchy subject as you can imagine.

I don't like when I don't/can't understand things....

Unfortunately ( or fortunately- for research) Addiction is a combination of genetics and environment...This does not mean that everyone predisposed will trigger off to an addiction, yet sometimes lifes circumstances and ones ability to have coping skills comes into play...People don't go out of their way to purposely destroy themselves and everyone they love ( yet this is what happens)...I would guess that his dad had some family history, made a decision to try the first time and his brain became a captive of the drug leaving everyone else behind...There is a great presentation by a DR. Kevin McCauley ( Addiction-Disease vs. Choice) and it's incredibly interesting what happens to the brain of an addict once they take in a substance...
Meth is a nasty drug that robs everyone/anyone of everything that you would ever recognize...
This disease does not discriminate..Some of the most prominent people in the world are experiencing the same as your sons dad...
Please know I am making no excuses, as I know what living w/ an addict is like...Just offering another component of education...You can google this...

If the father is really and truly clean and sober, and not just "white-knuckling" sobriety because he had no choice in prison, HE will seek out his son to make amends, and YOU will have to do nothing other than make your son available. He will ease his way into his son's life, taking his son's cues as to which step will be appropriate next. He won't complain or blame others if his son is hesitant, or down-right refuses the relationship at first. He'll put his son's needs before his own (addicts are notoriously selfish, so watch for this sign). YOU will be able to step out of the middle.

No addict should be able to get clean on the back of a child. Make sure the father is clean BEFORE you leave your son with him for even one minute. If the father is sincere in his recovery, he will submit to random drug tests, and won't complain or cry 'victim' for having to do so.

I second this...

Well my son met his sober dad for the first time since he's been out of prison. (4 months or so)

We all cried. My son wants his dad. I am happy as long as my son is happy. BUT It also makes me nervous. Even though his dad has been sober for 2 years, that 2 years was in prison. So I don't know for sure. I don't trust his dad and I also worry that my son has certain expectaions from him that his dad wont sullsill. Not because he is incapable but because he is so disracted on not being a loser tweaker piece of shit that he has been.

I HATE this. All I want is the man I fell in love with 12 years ago, before meth.....

Meth is a lifetime struggle now and my son deserves so much more. My son has not lacked LOVE, SUPPORT, or ANYTHING on my side. If anything I may have over compensated for what his dad hasn't done. I coached his football this year, I do not miss anything.

I am so frustrated. What REALLY bothers me is the fact that his dad hasn't thanked me or even acknowlaged what a great job I have done with my son.... I don't care if that sounds selfish...I REALLY don't. Mike has ruined everything by choosing to be a tweaker. We were together for 2 years, wedding planned, started trying to get pregnant, life planned out....then BAM he is a tweaker and my goal since then was to protect my son and help his dad. I offered to pay for a great rehab, I have done my research, I have done everything for both of them.

I hope Mike doesn't break my sons heart like he's done mine for 12 years. I hope this isn't false hope.....

Hang tight baby girl you will get through this :-)

this probably isn't the best thing to say, but from my own experience, i would have liked it if someone had told me as a child that it was ok to hate my parents for being bad people, that blood ties to someone shouldn't force you to welcome someone bad into your life, that it is ok to walk away and never look back, it would have saved me a childhood of grief. take it from someone who had trash for parents, before you try to manipulate him into loving and accepting his drek of a father, think about it from his perspective. his hero and idol turned out to be just another one of societies many rejects, who lacked the willpower and self control to abstain from destroying his body with chemicals, sure if he was a lone junkie it would be understandable, but he had family and a son, he had no excuse. it's fantastic that he is clean now, but him getting to see his son afterwards can only be considered a privilage and not a right, because he failed his son in every way imaginable, and can only influence him negatively from this point on. a little grim but that's my take on parents who fail, they don't deserve a thing because it was all their fault, and they should be willing to live with their consequences, because they affected not only themselves, but people who loved and looked up to them as well. if the father of your son wants to be in his kid's life, he will have to prove himself and earn his place, because the free pass he had for just being his father at the start was torn to shreds, and he shouldn't expect a reroll of the dice, he is basically a stranger in the kid's eyes because his expectations of him were shattered.

so yea, best i can say is present the opportunites when you can and let it run it's course, don't manipulate, bribe, spoil, or whatever other tricks you might want to try to get your son to reaccept his father, all that will do is harm him further and probably make him hate you for it as well once he realizes your little mind games. all i know is when my father suddenly wanted to be a real father(or as best an attempt as he could muster at the time i guess), all i did was smile and nod because his words meant nothing to me, a stranger has a better chance of getting along with me because they have a clean slate, pops doesn't because he proved himself to be someone undeserving of love, trust, and all that other stuff parents are usually associated with. so yea, that parental betrayal does run pretty deep, and we don't forget it.

so yea sorry i got so dark but i wanted to follow up a bit. you sound like you're on the right track to being a great mother, i'm jealous if anything, best i can say is instead of lamenting over what could have been and what might be, you should be looking towards the future of your son. nuclear families have been going out of style for a long time now and there are some amasing people out there who had only a single parent in their life or some other wierd family composition, make sure you make your current life and family a priority, and do the best that you can with what you have.

Ethos thank you. I told my son that he has my support either way and honestly I would rather my son want nothing to do with him. I don't sugar coat, I just don't always know the right answer.... which is best and so on.

I know I am an amazing mom and my son has tons of love and support from me, I just wish he had a stable dad. I want my son to have a dad.... Even if it isn't his biological one...

I know it is complicated and there is no right answer. I just try and need support and suggestions here...

So thank you for your feedback.

:)

Hi Endo...Sounds like things are starting to unfold and I know you must feel so nervous with trusting the guy...
Our kids don't really perceive what goes on in the household in the same way we do and his concerns for his dad can't possibly be on the same level as yours...I know you're terrified of dad breaking his heart, breaking promises and slipping back into the Meth world...I hope this doesn't happen and after time, they can build a relationship and some sense of your trust...This "can" happen...Try not to fear that your son will have to go through what happened to the two of you but, by all means, always make sure he's safe...
I hope that you are recognized for how hard you worked and he great job done on your own...Give it some time...:)